Hint: I didn’t have to look very far
This was me two months ago (62 days to be exact) on the day that I had officially sold 85% of my belongings and had a one way ticket to Costa Rica.
I dropped my suitcases of books and winter clothes off at my Dad’s house and I set out determined to find adventure.
Quite obviously, I found it.
I ended up spending 28 days in pure bliss. I met incredible friends who I traveled with for those epic days and I think I even fell in love.
At the end of July I flew home for my nephew’s birthday. One week after being home, the sting of having left that life behind was still with me.
Two weeks later it was still there.
Three weeks later and it was growing more persistent.
I flew to Nashville to surprise my best friend for her birthday and still I couldn’t take my mind off of the ache in my heart. Two days later I came back to Costa Rica and stepped foot in the Caribbean for the first time.
I had no where to be, no one to see and the world was my actual oyster. Like literally, anywhere I wanted to go I could (money abiding).
This sounds like a dream scenario to most people. It had been my dream scenario hence why I sold all of my stuff and started to backpack.
But now, it was different. I didn’t have these incredible friends surrounding me, I wasn’t falling in love anymore and I was just alone.
I wouldn’t be honest if I didn’t tell you that I shed a lot of tears during these weeks. It was as if somebody had turned on an emotional faucet within me and I could not figure out how to turn it off.
As I sat at a restaurant, overlooking the ocean and thinking about how in the hell I was going to get out of this depressing funk I was in it dawned on me.
Somewhere down the line, I had stopped supporting myself. I had thrown my hands in the air and decided that I was being ridiculous for feeling so sad about having such an epic life experience come to an end. I was mad at myself for not working for seven weeks and having to build my clientele up from scratch again. I was disappointed in where I was in my life.
How did I ever expect to reach any of my life goals if I was always belittling myself in my mind?
Sitting and watching the waves crash on the shore I realized that I had fallen out of love with myself. At one point during all of this chaos, I had forgotten about who was the most important person to be focused on right now, me.
I paid my check, walked back to my hostel, grabbed my journal and started writing.
Unlike the negative thought reel that had been spinning in my head, I wrote nice things about myself.
I praised myself for selling stuff, going to a foreign country alone, making brand new friends, still making it home for my nephews birthday and my best friends birthday and being able to get myself back to Costa Rica so I could continue my travels down to Panama.
That was three days ago.
Today I am genuinely happy. I’m gaining clients back as my work availability has increased. Every day I write about what I am grateful for and what I would like to bring to my life right now. Most importantly, I make sure to give myself credit for all that I have accomplished in the last two months.
If you are asking me who in my life can I always depend on the answer is…me. I am the one who put myself in this sad state but I was also the most powerful force in taking myself out of it.
The actual journal entry from three days ago (August 14th).
If you’re interested: Here’s how landed this digital nomad gig.